


If Only

by thehoyden



Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-05
Updated: 2010-01-05
Packaged: 2017-10-05 20:39:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehoyden/pseuds/thehoyden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The walls of the Academy dormitories are thin -- Renji can hear Kira through the plaster, and Kira sounds like he's alternately dying and having the time of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only

**Author's Note:**

> A few AUish elements, but nothing too drastic. Read-through courtesy of the fabulous [](http://lynnmonster.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://lynnmonster.livejournal.com/)**lynnmonster**.

The walls of the Academy dormitories are thin -- Renji can hear Kira through the plaster, and Kira sounds like he's alternately dying and having the time of his life. Hell, Renji nearly wants to shake the hand of the guy Kira's with, because they've been at it for god knows how long now. Every time Renji thinks they're done, Kira starts whimpering again, punctuated with the odd squeal that sounds less painful and more surprised.

Renji would seriously leave his room if he wouldn't be breaking curfew. Go out and do something and quit listening to those noises Kira is making. But things _finally_ sound like they're coming to a conclusion, or so he deduces from the masculine groan that accompanies Kira's shrieking. About damn time.

Still, he has to wonder who tripped Kira into bed. Because Kira's had offers before -- Renji knows he has, has seen bold girls and bolder guys invite Kira back to their rooms, but Kira always declines. Renji always thought maybe he was just too much of a good boy to indulge in a relationship while he was so focused on school, but maybe he was wrong.

He's just about to drop off when he hears Kira giggle, then give a protesting little sigh, and then make that whimpering moan again, and that's it, he's _done_ with trying to be a good neighbor. He knocks sharply on the wall that separates them, and growls, "Kira, will you shut the hell up already?"

He hears a quick knock back, a stranger's voice saying, "_Terribly_ sorry," and then more murmuring that Renji can't make out.

Finally, Renji thinks, he's going to get some sleep.

And then it starts up again, only this time, Kira's moans are decidedly muffled, and Renji stares at the offending wall in annoyance. This proves there is no justice in the universe, because Renji is alone while that annoying bastard is having mildly kinky sex next door.

He shoves a pillow over his head, and plots his revenge.

***

As it turns out, Renji doesn't actually need to tell anybody about how Kira Izuru got banged six ways to Sunday last night, because the guy's appearance speaks for itself. Kira's normally neat and presentable, but there's no hiding the bags under his eyes or the hickeys on his throat or that stupid, stupid grin on his face.

Hisagi stares after Kira with open curiosity while Kira is in line to get breakfast. "So, you know who it was?" he asks Renji, because everyone in the Academy is a gossip-hound, whether they want to admit it or not.

Renji shrugs. "Voice sounded kinda familiar, but I don't know for sure. He has some crazy freakin' stamina, I can tell you that much."

Hisagi's lips twitch a little. "You sure it's a guy?"

Renji rolls his eyes. "_Yes_, sempai."

Hisagi leans in a little closer. "Sure Kira was on the bottom?"

"Can we not talk about this anymore?" Renji asks plaintively. "I had to listen to Kira's goddamn annoying caterwaulin' all last night."

"Good morning, sempai," Kira says, having made his way back over to the table. He has a hard time meeting Renji's eyes. "Morning, Abarai-kun."

"Morning," Hisagi says, and Renji mutters the same.

All doubts are removed when Kira hisses a little in pain when he sits down.

Hisagi mouths to him, _Bottom_, and Renji seriously considers throwing food at him.

***

After that, Kira is decent enough to take his activities elsewhere, which is good in that it means Renji actually gets some sleep, but kind of annoying in the way that Renji still doesn't know who it is. Kira continues to look tired and blissfully happy, though, so Renji assumes it must be going well. Still, Kira could at least introduce his new boyfriend to Renji and Hisagi. They aren't going to _judge_ him, or anything. Well, maybe mock him a little. Okay, a lot. But the point was, if Kira was supposed to be their friend, he ought to at least bring the new guy around for mahjong or something.

"Maybe it isn't a relationship. Maybe it's just sex," Hisagi says one afternoon.

"Maybe," Renji says doubtfully. "But he spends an awful lot of time sneaking out of the Academy for it to be just sex. And he's got that dumbass look on his face, just like Hinamori."

"Hmm," Hisagi says, and doesn't say anything more about it.

***

It isn't until Renji, Kira, and Hinamori join the fifth division that Renji puts two and two together, and gets, "Kira, what the hell do you think you're _doing_?"

Kira doesn't even attempt to deny it. Their vice-captain, Ichimaru Gin, swept by not moments earlier, and damned if Renji's blood didn't turn to ice when he saw that proprietary grin on Ichimaru's face, and the corresponding blush on Kira's.

Renji takes a deep breath. "Kira," he says urgently. "This isn't supposed to happen. You have to know this doesn't look good for you." Renji's well aware of the irony of him actually quoting rules and regs at Kira, but dammit, those rules are there for a reason.

Kira bites his lip a little and looks down. "I know," he says softly. "But I..."

Renji shoves a hand through his hair. "You should break it off," he mutters. "It'll be nothing but trouble when everyone finds out."

Kira looks stricken. "Please, you can't tell anyone. No one else can know."

Renji sighs. If it had been a vice-captain in another division, well, it wouldn't have been as bad. But for it to be Ichimaru Gin -- dammit, didn't Kira have the slightest clue what kind of danger he was putting himself in?

"Kira," he says, making an effort to speak slowly and reasonably, "I know everything seems good now, but what's going to happen if things go sour? He's a vice-captain, Kira -- do you know what he could do to you?"

"Nothing's going to happen, he isn't like that," Kira says defensively, and Renji knows he's too damn late. Maybe if he'd said something to Kira that first night back at the Academy, but it's too late now. Kira thinks he's in love, and there's no argument Renji can come up with that will persuade him otherwise.

"Abarai-kun, please don't tell anyone," Kira begs, and Renji just doesn't have the heart to tell him that this is only going to end in tears, and they won't belong to cold, cold Ichimaru Gin.

***

Kira's secret does manage to stay under wraps, although Renji has no idea how. He suspects that other people know, but are too damned scared of Ichimaru to say anything. Still, he just can't shake how utterly creeped out he is whenever he sees Ichimaru putting a hand on Kira's shoulder, looking down at Kira like he's Ichimaru's next meal, and Kira looking back adoringly.

If Ichimaru really did care about Kira, maybe it would be okay, Renji rationalizes. Sure, it's breaking a really big rule, but maybe Kira could transfer to another division or something if their relationship is that important. Surely, Renji thinks, Ichimaru can see reason, even if Kira can't.

So he makes arrangements to speak to Ichimaru, in the hopes that he can persuade his vice-captain to either transfer Kira or let him go.

About two seconds into their conversation, Renji realizes he's made a huge freaking mistake, and that there's a reason everyone in their right mind is scared shitless of Ichimaru Gin.

Ichimaru just watches him with that smile while Renji carefully lays out his argument, and all the reasons why Ichimaru should think of his duty and let Kira go.

"Let Izuru go?" Ichimaru repeats, as though the idea is entirely new to him. Renji tries not to grit his teeth at hearing Ichimaru call Kira by his given name. "I don't think I have any intention of doing that," he drawls, amusement plain in his voice.

Renji sucks in a deep breath. "Please, Vice-Captain, if you care about him, you wouldn't put him in this position."

"Which position is that, I wonder?" Ichimaru asks.

Renji wrinkles his nose at the innuendo. "There are rules against it. You and Kira could get into trouble if you get caught."

"I've never cared much for useless rules," Ichimaru says lightly.

"And Kira?" Renji asks, challenging.

Ichimaru's grin widens, and he leans in and says in a conspiratorial whisper, "Quite the nicest lay I've had in awhile. You wouldn't believe how pretty he is when I make him cry."

Renji feels something in him snap, and before he's even fully aware of what he's doing, his fist is connecting with his vice-captain's jaw.

Unfortunately, it's at the same moment that Kira rounds the corner, and shrieks, "Don't!"

Ichimaru stumbles back a little, still smiling. He could have evaded that punch, no problem.

Renji realizes he's been played, start to finish.

Kira will never leave Ichimaru now, and he'll probably never listen to Renji again. Not only that, Renji just attempted to deck his superior officer, and he knows damn well that nothing good is going to come from this.

"Are you okay?" Kira says worriedly, dabbing a pure white handkerchief to the little trickle of blood at the corner of Ichimaru's mouth.

Ichimaru snakes an arm around Kira's waist and pulls him close, gloating over Kira's head.

***

"I was just trying to help," Renji tells Hisagi later, miserable.

"You can't help people who don't want to be helped," Hisagi says, although he doesn't sound any happier. "We just have to be there for him. That's all we can do."

Renji rubs his eyes. "Captain Aizen is sending me over the eleventh."

"Be grateful that's all he's doing. Really, Renji, letting Ichimaru bait you like that," Hisagi admonishes.

"And Captain only went easy on me because Kira begged for mercy, said it was a big misunderstanding," Renji says glumly. "Dammit, I was just trying to help."

Hisagi says nothing, and just pours more sake into Renji's glass.

***

Renji finds he really likes the eleventh. No bullshit, just a healthy respect for strength and a predilection for violence. He thinks he fits right in.

He works his way up the ladder, starting at the bottom and ending up sixth seat. And somewhere along the way, he makes friends with Yumichika and Ikkaku. Ikkaku likes having someone else to drink with and get into stupid bar fights with, and in Yumichika's words, "Well, you're not very beautiful, definitely not anywhere even close to me, but I suppose you have some good points." Yumichika declined to elaborate on what those good points might be, but Renji knew better than to argue. Nobody in the eleventh argues with Yumichika and wins, except for maybe Yachiru, and that's because she's a kid and also kind of scary.

Still, the day he hears that Ichimaru has been made captain of the third and Kira's going to be his vice-captain, he doesn't take the news well.

"Take it easy," Ikkaku says, snatching the bottle out of Renji's reach. "Fuck, Abarai, you're going to make yourself sick."

Renji spills the whole sordid story, while Ikkaku and Yumichika listen quietly.

Finally, Ikkaku takes a swig of alcohol, then another one for good measure, before sliding the bottle back Renji's way.

Yumichika looks thoughtful. "Kira seems to at least be important to Ichimaru in some way. I don't think any captain would elevate a casual lover to vice-captain, no matter how good he is in bed."

Ikkaku grimaces. "I don't know anyone who'd want to be important to that foxface bastard."

"Except for Kira," Renji says, taking another drink. "I think he really thinks Ichimaru loves him."

Yumichika brushes some invisible speck off his sleeve. "Either he's important enough to Ichimaru to be protected for the moment, or Ichimaru will soon cut him loose. Either way, he's still going to need his friends. Be patient."

It isn't what Renji wants to hear, not at all. Whoever said the guys in the eleventh were ready for violence at any opportunity was obviously full of shit.

***

Day by day, Kira's former confident smile is taken over by a melancholy twist to his lips. He looks tired, weighed down, and Renji thinks he can see the collar and leash that Ichimaru has bound Kira with if he squints.

It damn near breaks his heart.

He doesn't know what to say. He and Hisagi make sure they drag Kira out on a regular basis, remind him he's got people who care about him, really care about him. But Kira turns more and more inward, and he doesn't meet people's eyes very often anymore. He's not the cheerfully arrogant Kira they used to know, and Renji would give anything to have him back.

Renji's started inviting Hisagi to come with him and Yumichika and Ikkaku when they go out, because Renji figures he really doesn't want to let any more friends grow apart from him, not if he can help it.

One night, their talk turns to Kira. It's like worrying at a toothache, and Renji can't help but poke it occasionally.

"On some level, at least, I think Kira wants this. We may not think it's good for him, but it takes two to tango. Ichimaru could never do what he's done if Kira weren't at least partially complicit," Hisagi says, sounding almost meditative.

"That may be so," Yumichika says, absentmindedly fiddling with his hair. "But there is such a thing as biting off more than you can chew."

"I'd just spit the bastard out," Ikkaku says.

***

Renji never thought that being right would feel this horrible.

Because in the end, Ichimaru did just what Yumichika said he would -- he cut Kira loose and abandoned him. The betrayal of Aizen, Ichimaru, and Tousen reverberates through Seiretai like a shockwave, but it's Ichimaru's personal betrayal that shatters Kira into pieces.

Kira isn't coherent, not for days. Feeling his body shake with sobs in Renji's arms nearly makes Renji want to cry too, just knowing how far down Ichimaru dragged Kira, all without a second thought. And he still doesn't know what to say, but he murmurs things to Kira while he holds him, things like, "I've got you" and "It's okay." And maybe the words themselves don't penetrate the haze of Kira's despair, but Renji's hoping his tone and feelings do.

Kira needs to know that someone doesn't blame him, that someone understands. Because even when the charges against Kira are dismissed, he still blames himself. If only I'd done this, if only I'd done that -- Renji knows Kira's regrets all too well, because he's had the same ones for years.

***

Renji asks Yumichika and Ikkaku to keep an eye on Kira when he has to go into the division, because he really doesn't want Kira to be left alone right now.

And although Kira appears to like Yumichika, the one he seems to respond to best is Ikkaku. Maybe it's because Ikkaku doesn't know who Kira had been, and has no reason to feel as sad as Renji does. Maybe it's because Ikkaku doesn't hold much stock in worrying about the past, so much as getting stronger for the future.

A month or so later, Renji smells something good cooking when he gets home after his shift, and hears Kira and Ikkaku's voices through the doorway.

"Aw crap, I ruined it," Ikkaku says.

Renji stops in the doorway to the kitchen, and watches Kira and Ikkaku standing together in front of a big wok on the stove.

Kira smiles. Not a big one, but it's a real smile, and Renji can't believe how long he's been waiting to see it again. "The first few pieces are always like that," Kira says gently. "It takes a few tries before you get the oil the right temperature and the tempura batter the right consistency."

Ikkaku frowns at the tempura like he's ready to kick its ass. "Well, I ain't gonna be defeated by some goddamn vegetables. Bring it on, Kira."

Kira lets out a little huff of air that might be a snicker, and that's when Renji knows it's going to be okay. It might take Kira awhile to get there, but it's going to be okay.

"You making enough for me, too?" Renji asks, leaning against the doorframe.

"No, I thought we'd make dinner in your own kitchen and then let you starve," Ikkaku shoots back.

"I bought your favorite mushrooms," Kira says, offering that small, genuine smile to Renji as well.

"Oh, that's rich. Last time you bought 'my' favorite mushrooms, you ended up eating them all," Renji mock grouses.

They bicker and cook and eat dinner and bicker some more, and Renji thinks that Ikkaku probably has it right -- you can't go back, but you can get better. And seeing Kira's smile now, Renji knows it will be worth the wait.


End file.
